These are the steps. 1) Who it's about. 2) The Circumstance. (You could also call this the situation or world set-up) 3)The Conflict. 4) The Twist (or hook).
My first impression about this query is that there is a problem deciding what information to include and what not to. This is a common problem when trying to boil down a novel length work into a couple paragraphs. We'll have to try to weed out what can go, and strengthen what needs to remain.
Dear Ms. Agent:
Two years ago, standing before her dead sister, sixteen-year-old Quinn Montgomery vowed to never fall in love. This first sentence is a little awkward. We think the story is about a 16 year old girl, but then right away we find out that she's eighteen. Best to name only one age. Let's establish who this book is about. Eighteen year old Quinn Montgomery vowed never to fall in love. That statement alone is strong enough. That is, after all, what killed
Now we're ready for the conflict Self-assured and utterly carefree, Torrin wants nothing more than to prove what happened to Quinn’s sister won’t happen to Quinn. So when he coaxes her into a “relationship,” Quinn plays along, assuring herself that spending time with him—even though she’s still hiding her true identity—is just for kicks. These sentences hint at the conflict, but could be more concise. Torrin promises not to break Quinn's heart. Quinn is not ready to risk her sisters's fate by allowing herself to fall in love. She convinces herself their affair is just for kicks. Even though she's growing attached to Torrin, she can't bring herself to reveal her true identity (as a nude model?).
But is it?
Facing off with the one at school who’s learned of her peculiar means to earn money and battling threats made to turn her in for indecent conduct, this is a conflict plot point and should be part of the previous paragraph if it's important.Quinn must confront her own heart and challenge her deepest fears about love. And it turns out loving someone isn’t so terrifying after all. But, would it still be easy if the person you’ve given your heart turns out to be the one who stripped your family of everything? Destroyed the Montgomery cachet? Basically ruined your life?This paragraph is trying to say too much. This is where we want the twist. Just when she thinks it's safe to fall in love, she finds out Torrin is responsible for the loss of her family's fortune. Can their love survive?
ROW ME AWAY is a young adult novel, complete at 63,000 words. Again, I prefer this info up front, but it's okay to put it here too.
A teacher of eight years, I hold a Master’s Degree in Education. I have served as editor and editorial writer for the Butterfly Facts, and have recently reached the semi-finals of Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel Award contest with a separate manuscript. I am also the founder of YA Stands, a group blog focused on young adult reading and writing. Great bio snipit.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon!
I'd be happy to look at a revision, Nicole, if you are interested. Just post it in the comments.
What do you think? Do you have any advice for Nicole?
Also, if you would like your query critiqued, Elle Style, just post it in the comments.
So brave to put your query out there but often the best way to learn. Elle, you did a great job critiquing it!
ReplyDeleteGreat critique of what sounds like an interesting novel. One thing that came to my mind is whether the "Row" in the title has some significance? It doesn't seem to relate to anything in the query.
ReplyDeleteElle, you are awesome. Thank you, thank you for spending your time on this. You're absolutely right--I had a very difficult time weeding out info. for this query. The main plot thread tangles so tightly w/ the others it was really hard to talk about it alone and in the end felt like there wasn't enough info or maybe the right info to intrigue an agent. Looks like I have some work to do!
ReplyDelete@Andrea- Yes, "ROW" does have significance (Torrin, the love interest, is a varsity oarsman), but that was one of those details I chose to leave out b/c I wasn't sure it was necessary. What do you think?
Thanks again, Elle, and if anyone else has ideas, please let me know (because, really, it takes a village to write a query!)
Andrea- good question and good point!
ReplyDeleteNicole - I think it is worth putting that tidbit of info re Torrin as it adds character and setting info with so few words. We know he's smart, athletic and proud and that this takes place in a college town near a river.
And you're very welcome!
Thanks Nicole for putting up your query - we can all learn so much from each other. I love your line about taking a village to write a query!!
ReplyDeleteI think tightening up along the lines suggested by Nicole would make it much stronger. You've got an intriguing storyline here.
Thanks for sharing, Nicole. I know how scary it is!
ReplyDeleteIMO, this is a very busy query. I agree with Elle's suggestion to tighten up and focus on the central conflict. Good luck!
Good job, Elle. I like your style. We can all learn much from you.
ReplyDeleteOooh, cool. I've been thinking about queries recently. If you really mean it, here is the one I have cobbled together recently.
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To whom it may concern:
Aeron is the daughter of Princess Rina. She has the intelligence and strength of her Selkie father. People step aside whenever they see her. At fourteen she is the General of Deryn’s Army. In short: she’s illegitimate, a half-breed, abhorred, and exploited.
After a disastrous defeat and massacre by the invading Navieans, the Lady Aeron is declared dead. The only people standing against the slavery and tyranny that the Navieans have brought are the Shadow-Stalkers, a group of daring warriors hidden in the Blue Woods, who strike like lightening and leave no one alive. At the head of this group is Trystan BlackStar, who became Captain while still an apprentice, and pulled his fellow students together in the hills after their (and his) masters were all lost in the battle. Madelyn of Sitron has escaped from her abusive father with only her impetuous attitude and a horse, soon falls into company with Trystan and his apprentice, Freyda.
SELKIE’S CHILD (51,000/YA) is a fast-paced story about what shapes your character and what in the past you cannot turn your back on. I am a college student at Philadelphia’s Temple University in the College of Liberal Arts. I have been writing since seventh grade, and can trace strands of this story back to almost that time although under many different incarnations.
Thank you in advance for you time,
Phoenix - in case you're checking back here, I will try to get your critique up sometime this week (aug 22-26). Thanks for sending it in!
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