Dear Ms. Strauss: Of course, you're not addressing it to me =)
As a regular follower of your blog, you want to make sure this statement is true for each agent I’d be honored to have you consider my police procedural Forty & Out capitalize title which is complete at 68,000 words. (It will appeal to readers who enjoy the complications of relationships in the context of an intriguing crime story. I anticipate this book as one of three interconnected novels exploring the criminal justice community in Toledo, Ohio.) I would put these two sentences at the end just because it feels like a bumper keeping us from getting to the pitch. We want to feel like we're reading the jacketflap right off.
Forty is a dangerous birthday to celebrate in Detective Veronica Jadzinski’s world. Right away we know who it's about. Good. A psychopath is targeting single women at that milestone, making sure they don’t get any older. Saddled with a new partner by her disparaging lieutenant, the loner Jadz delves into the seedier side of Toledo to solve the case and prove her worth before the body count gets any higher.Circumstance. Well laid out. When the killer strikes back by targeting Jadz’s drama-queen sister, the case gets personal.Conflict. This is good, but you could give us a little more. Is there a secondary conflict? Jadz must learn to set aside her ego and separate life’s petty squabbles from battles that really matter. This is your hook line, but it doesn't feel very hooky--would you agree? You could tease us with a specific ego issue and/or petty squabble. I would give it its own paragraph.
FORTY & OUT would appeal...
My publishing credits include six short stories in a variety of regional and literary magazines, numerous newspaper articles, and the full-length non-fiction Historic Warren County: An Illustrated History (Lammert Publications 2009) which was awarded the 2010 Outstanding Achievement Award in History Outreach by the Ohio Association of Historical Societies and Museums.Nice little bio.
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
A very good start to a strong query. I'd be happy to look at a revision if you like, CPat.
How about you? Any advice for CPat?
If you'd like me to critique your query or pitch, just post it in the comments or email me. My address is in my contacts tab.
Thanks CPat!
great critique!
ReplyDeleteGood tips.
ReplyDeleteElle, thank you so much for the critique! I took this to my writers group earlier in the week and wouldn't you know, they said almost the same exact things. Guess I know what I need to do, and it's great to have comments that agree.
ReplyDeleteI'm giving myself till the end of the month to make this query shine, then plan to start submissions (again) after the first of September when summer vacations are well and truly over (sniff!).
Cyndi
Cyndi - Wishing you all the best on your subs!
ReplyDeleteSince you were kind enough to ask, here's my current revision:
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. (agent’s last name):
Your profile on GuidetoLiteraryAgengts.com piqued my interest; I’d be honored if you would consider my police procedural FORTY & OUT which is complete at 68,000 words.
Forty is a dangerous birthday to celebrate in Detective Veronica Jadzinski’s world. A psychopath is targeting single women at that milestone, making sure they don’t get any older. Saddled with a new partner named Maya who no one else in the office will have, the loner Jadz chafes at the restrictions their pairing imposes. All she wants is to prevent the body count from increasing and no departmental regulations, or rigid partners, are going to stand in her way.
As the reluctant team closes in, the killer manipulates those around him, including the media, to elude capture. His sneering arrogance leads him to target Jadz’s estranged sister and routine work becomes dangerously personal. Jadz must learn to set aside her ego and separate life’s petty squabbles from battles that really matter.
FORTY & OUT will appeal to readers who enjoy the complications of personal relationships in the context of an intriguing crime story. I anticipate this book as one of three interconnected novels exploring the inner workings of the criminal justice community.
My publishing credits include a personal essay in the recent women’s anthology The Moment I Knew (Sugati Press, 2011), six short stories in a variety of regional and literary magazines, numerous newspaper articles, and the full-length non-fiction Historic Warren County: An Illustrated History (Lammert Publications, 2009) which was awarded the 2010 Outstanding Achievement Award in History Outreach by the Ohio Association of Historical Societies and Museums.
Per your guidelines, a brief synopsis and the first chapter of FORTY & OUT follow.
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
(and it still fits nicely on one page!)
Better, I hope? Thanks so much for your generous offer!