Query Critique #7- Elle Style (The Four Step Plan)

A couple weeks ago I guest posted at Janice Hardy's blog on writing a query or pitch in four easy steps and offered to critique queries posted in the comments. I did two last Tuesday and three more are here today.

To recap:
1) who it's about
2) the circumstance
3) the conflict
4) the hook

Heather

When 16-year-old Becca Ford who it’s about discovers potion-making plants missing from the nursery where she works, she sets herself up as a target for a secret coven in Sugarland. Becca doesn’t think of herself as anything special, but when she and protector Derek Moore take off to save her they discover there’s more to Becca than anyone suspects.  This para should give us the circumstance. It’s not clear why the discovery of missing plants puts her in danger (becomes a target).

Becca’s ability to glow explains her gift with plants but also makes her a target of the magical government. Now we’re getting the explanation.Derek has been raised with the belief  always believed that The Halo is evil, but the girl he’s gotten to know isn’t dangerous. In fact, she’s smart, funny and attractive… at least when she’s away from home. This last sentence doesn’t seem to connect with the previous ones.

Becca’s always been one to hide in the background. Fully accepting her gift means she must being thrust into the spotlight to face powerful enemies. And possibly losing the first guy she’s ever been interested in. The hook.

The Halo is a 70,000 word young adult fantasy… 

My diagnosis: Two of  the four points are not clearly defined. Also, is part of the story told from Derek’s pov? If not, all paragraphs should be about Becca. If so, a query is a little trickier since you need to show the four points from both pov.

The circumstance: Becca works in a nursery. She also has the ability to glow, a gift she has to hide if she doesn’t want to be captured (? What is the nature of the targeting?) by the magical government called The Halo. 

The conflict: Becca discovers missing plants and ....still needs forming.

I'd be happy to look at a revision, Heather. Just post in the comments. 

Emily Anderson said...

Alisa is she a teenager? College age? It would be good to have a little more here to picture her has her life all planned out: score a 2100 on the SAT, go to Princeton, become CFO of a major corporation. Notice boys did not make the list? She doesn't have time for something as menial as a boyfriend.the circumstance. Would be nice to know if she’s in highschool here, a sense of setting.

But when she wakes up twenty years in the future, in place of her adult self, she finds nothing has gone according to plan. This is the conflict paragraph. Nice first sentence. She has to figure out how to get her life back on trackthis sentence is vague, a detail or two would be good and save her future daughter from a custody battle so she can get home before she loses her chance at the college of her dreams.we need to understand what happened that she might lose her chance at college here, perhaps explained in the life back on track statement.

Then she meets a boy or man? How old is she? who changes all her plans. And any day she could slip back in time and lose him forever.  The hook is good.

My diagnosis: the first two points just need a little tweaking. The conflict paragraph is not as clear as it could be. The hook is good.

Natalie Aguirre

I cut quite a bit from the original, but it’s just a suggestion. After reading it I felt it read long and short and snappy is what we’re after.

Thirteen-year-old Jasmine never believed love is stronger than blood. Who it’s about.But when she convinces her best friend Austin to follow her into the magical land of Myrrdin, she discovers everyone there believes she can cast powerful defensive spells like her mysterious adoptive great-grandmother who once lived there. Much as she wishes it were true, she knows that’s impossible since she was adopted as a baby.

Even so, Jasmine’s excited to study magic. Especially when she starts practicing more complicated spells on her own. Who wouldn’t be!

But then she and Austin uncover Myrrdin’s dark secrets.  There they discover Glazdick, a would-be dictator king, is desperately searching for a special wand once used to create an invisible wall around his country to imprison his people. Since it was designed by her  Jasmine’s great-grandmother, he erroneously believes Jasmine has the same gift and is convinced he can coerce Jasmine her into wielding its power to destroy the barrier and allow him to overtake Myrrdin. Jasmine worries he’s right. Yet her inner yearning to learn magic drives her to stay in Myrridn even in the face of danger. The circumstance.

She and Austin must find the wand and unravel its mysteries before Glazdick steals it does, because he’ll stop at nothing—even using Austin as a pawn—to make Jasmine help him. If Jasmine can’t discover how her adoptive family’s love unlocks her magical powers, she may lose Austin. The conflict.

Worse still, they may never get home. The hook.

An upper middle grade fantasy, UNLOCKED MAGIC is complete at 69,000.

My diagnosis:  All the pieces are here. Some of the front matter slowed the read down, (imho)  and cutting it out makes the query quicker and more exciting.

 If you'd like me to look at your query, just post it in the comments. I'll do 2 or 3 every Tuesday until Christmas and if there's more than that, I'll resume critiques in the New Year.