Query Critique #8- Elle Style (The Four Step Plan)

How to write a query or pitch in four easy steps.

To recap:
1) who it's about
2) the circumstance
3) the conflict
4) the hook

Sareh said...

Thank you so much for the awesome advice and the critiques! Here's my pitch for my story, The Cursing. Oh and a question, is there a certain length pitches should be? No longer than what could fit on the back of a book.

Fifteen-year-old Princess Tatiana lives in the world of Alfheimr, there lives alongside a race of fallen angels known as the Angeni.I added the mc to this sentence to provide the first step, who it’s about. They are a Her people are lost to darkness, misguided by evil spirits called the Ancients. One misstep or wrong action can lead to death or worse -- a sacrifice to the blood thirsty beings -- and no one is safe, not even the Cursed Imperial family.

Fifteen-year-old The Princess Tatiana is now only two months away from becoming the High Priestess, which means everything to a girl who has never left the inner sanction of the Temple. Her life has been shrouded in lies and deceit for as long as she can remember, but now, the truth is finally starting to come out. And it must; her life, freedom, and her people people depend on it.   I cut this because it’s vague statement, and specifics are better in a query. We’re looking for circumstance, which is stated in the first paragraph and the first sentence here.

Suddenly, a dream and a forbidden encounter with her half-sister Minora good detail change everything, and Tatiana is faced with more questions than ever before. She becomes restless, curious, and bold. Bold enough to risk her life to leave the temple early, bold enough to meet the Faerie her sister prophesied about, and bold enough to take on not only her kingdom, but the Ancients themselves. This states the conflicts. All in the name of freedom and love. 

Yet But will love be strong enough to save them?

My diagnosis: It just needed a little re-organizing of information, but all the pieces are there.

staceylee said...

Fifteen  15-year-old Samantha Young has nowhere to go when her father, a Chinaman, perishes in a blaze that consumes their dry goods store and leaves her an orphan. Who it’s about.So when the richest man in St. Joseph, Missouri, offers her lodging in his hotel, she takes it. Only it’s not a hotel, but it’s a brothel. The circumstance.

When he attempts to ‘test out the goods,’ she bashes him with a scrubbing brush. Now she faces the noose. The law in 1849 will not side with a Chinese girl, even if she killed in self-defense. More circumstance
She flees west with Annamae, a runaway slave. They disguise themselves as young men and join a trio of cowboys bound for the California gold rush.

The unburned half of Father’s life savings is flying down the Oregon Trail with his business partner. If she could recover the money, she could start the language school Father always dreamed of. Maybe it’ll make up for not returning in time to rescue him, all because she wanted to show him how much she hated his plan to move them to the barren west coast.  We’re missing the conflict. I crossed out the last sentence because it’s  more back story than conflict. We need a few details that show us how difficult it is to catch the business partner, what is it that is getting in her way. 

Now if she can only catch the partner before the law catches her . the hook.. .

GOLDEN BOYS is an 83,000 word historical YA fiction novel that follows Samantha’s journey from girl to adult (with a stint as a boy) through the frontier of a changing society. 

My diagnosis: The conflict paragraph needs work but the other pieces are there.

Jami Gold said...

Yesterday, Collette’s biggest challenge was trying to be a good wife and mother.

Today, this stay-at-home mom who it’s about is condemned to be a pawn in a coup d'état among immortals. The circumstance

A secret society of immortals has sworn to protect humanity, but a power-hungry traitor among them wants to take control. After he sees a photograph of Collette, the traitor orchestrates her abduction from her family. Just her luck, she resembles the current ruler’s might be better to name him too lost love. More circumstance

The traitor uses her to trick the current lord of the immortals into breaking one of their highest laws. This is the conflict paragraph and could use more details. At least a hint at how he tricks her and what the highest law is. Lord Gabriel, a good and honorable man, doesn’t know of her role in his impending downfall. Who is Lord Gabriel? Is he the current ruler?

Now, she must take sides.how? We’re not quite seeing her conflict. Does she have to make a choice? Between what and what and how it leads to this next question.Which immortal is more likely to allow her to return to her family, her captor or the man she’s unintentionally setting up for destruction?

Along the way, Collette dies—twice. Nice hook.

My diagnosis: The conflict paragraph needs work but the rest is there (the theme today). I’d be happy to look at a revision, Jami. Just post it in the comments.