Query Critique #9- Elle Style (The Four Step Plan)

This is a continuation of a series started when I guest blogged for Janice Hardy a while ago about writing queries/ pitches in four easy steps.

Read on to learn from others!

To recap:

1)Who it's about

2)The circumstance

3)The conflict

4)The hook

Kierra

Dear Ms. (name here),

‘Remy, a A seventeen year-old fairy godmother trainee gets a new assignment: The hottest guy—GUY—at school. Easy, right? Wrong.’who it’s about. Already a cute hook. You don't need the single quote marks.

Magically poofing in somebody’s bathroom while that somebody is taking a shower is not the best way to start off a friendship—that, Remy learned the hard way. After screwing up her previous mission months ago, Remy, a teenage fairy godmother trainee, gets another assignment. And it’s not just another assignment: She’ll be having awkward phrasing a MALE ‘godchild. Is this same assignment mentioned in the first sentence? I’d combine these two paragraphs to eliminated repeating yourself.’ To make it worse, he is the school’s hottest guy, a.k.a. Kyle Hughes. Oh, and not to mention that she had a major crush on him since, like, forever. Another repeat. The circumstance.

But when she magically appeared in his shower, everything went wrong. He hated her, he called her a pervert, he was convinced that she was deranged and mentally-retarded perhaps challenged?, and he didn’t want her help. But with Remy’s wish to have a full-on career as a certified fairy godmother at stake, she’ll do just everything to find Kyle’s happily ever after, even if it did involve quite a few tricks, snakes, broken magic wands, more of her famous screw ups, nasty witches who are out to get her, and her heart breaking. The conflict paragraph. There is quite a lot going on here. If possible I’d pick the two main events and elaborate a littel about them.

Question is: What about her happily ever after?

Well, with her magic wand and her awesome poofing skills, anything is possible—NOT.Move this up with previous sentence which becomes a two sentence hook.

A fairy tale with a modern twist, a proof that nobody is too old for fairy tales.

Set in the modern times with a splurge  splash of humor and romance thrown together, readers will surely find themselves relating to Remy as she continues to try--and fail, whether it's with her magic, her teenage hormones, or her seemingly harmless crush. Young adults, the target readers, would easily imagine themselves as Remy, minus the magic wand and all. Less is more

I think of myself as someone married to writing. Before I was even a teenager, I think I've fallen in love with words and began writing since then. Most of my stories are posted on the net on some amateur writing sites (Wattpad, Wordpress, Inkpop, etc.). I don't have much experience, but I'm taking this chance to have "Remy Unenchanted" as my debut novel. This is info you can give in your first phone call.

Please let me know if you are interested in reading the full copy of Remy Unenchanted my (insert word count here-word manuscript.
 
My diagnosis: This is a cute query that just needs to be tightened up, but all the key pieces are there. 

Nicole Zoltack  
 

Dear Agent:

Thirteen-year-old wannabe novelist Elena doesn't care about school, only her stories.  Who it’s about. It's too bad they never come true… until the day she writes that the class bully gets detention, that is. Coincidence? This sentence is hard to understand. Did she write a story about the class bully getting a detention. Just needs a bit of tweaking to make it clear.Elena doesn't think so after she writes that the secretary has to go to the bathroom, and then he rushes out like he's about to wet his pants. Everything she writes with her new pen comes true. The circumstance

But then the pen writes a story darker than any of Elena’s about a mystical fantasy land being overrun by demons. If that isn't bad enough, a demon crosses over to Earth, kidnaps her family, and hides them in the Land of Imagining. Elena will do whatever she can to save them. The conflict.Unfortunately, it's not as simple as writing a happy ending - whenever Elena uses the pen, someone turns into a demon, and she could be next. The hook

ELENA’S PEN is a 66,000-word upper MG fantasy novel with series potential. Readers of Michael Ende's THE NEVERENDING STORY and Philip Pullman's HIS DARK MATERIALS series will enjoy my book.

My diagnosis: I can tell you've spent a lot of time on this already. It's very close. I don't have a lot to suggest here. I'd give the hook sentence it's own paragraph to set it apart.


If you'd like me to look at your query, you can post it in the comments. I won't be able to get to another critique until the new year.