Friday Four or Five - and the query critiques

1. Next week is BEACH BASH with the Indelibles. Those of us with spring/summer releases have banded together for a fun blog hop where you could win your choice of a KINDLE or NOOK loaded with our new books! Plus, each blog stop is offering their own prize. This starts Monday. Make sure you check back--you don't want to miss this!!

2. Yesterday I revealed LIKE CLOCKWORK, the companion novel to my Clockwise series. Yes, you guessed it, Like Clockwork is my spring release and is part of the upcoming Beach Bash. Plus, I will be giving away e-copies of CLOCKED a brand new companion novelette to the Clockwise series featuring Nate Mackenzie. This is a much expanded version of the short story found in the In His Eyes Anthology (3k to 14k). Ever wonder how Nate got talked into asking Casey to dance on a dare? And what it felt like for him to experience 1860? How he really felt about Casey Donovan? Now you can know!!

3. Something not writing related: My daughter's grad banquet and dance is this weekend. This is kid #4 and my final high school graduate. I still haven't met her date! Perhaps there will be pictures to come.

4. I meant to get to this sooner, but I double booked my blog schedule this week. So here are the two brave souls who posted their queries in the comments for a critique based on my four point plan.

 

Vera Soroka

Lost memory and a ring given to Julian in his dream sets off a journey that Julian didn't anticipate to ever take. Everything that he thought about his life was just an existence, His parents are not his parents and his best friend Garth is his guardian. He finds out what he really is and where he is really from. This is the who it’s about paragraph. You should be able to distil it down to one or two lines. I think you’re trying to say too much here.
There is also another half to Julian and her name is Ebony. She saved him in an attack back home. She wears a matching ring just like his. Together these rings are powerful. Even though he has no memory of her he feels compelled to save her from the prison she's being held in. the circumstance. I would try to capsulate this more. Ie: Ebony wears a matching ring. Though she once saved his life, Julian doesn’t remember her. Still, he’s compelled to rescue her from her prison cell. --something like that. He has many obstacles to overcome and one is by the name of Kellan, a rogue who has made it clear he plans on killing Julian for his ring.
War is looming back home and time is running out as now others who have heard that Julian lives are now making him the hunt.
There is a new girl at school, Anya. She is one of them and claims she can help them. She says she knows Kellan. At first they're not sure but she proves herself and sets out to help Julian reclain who he was. The previous sentences should make up your conflict paragraph. Pick the main conflict not the subplot conflicts. What they both don't know is that is playing a deadly game of her own. This is the hook sentence. Work to make is shine so that it can stand on its own, like a log line.

My diagnosis. Still needs work in determining what information belongs in each section, and on polishing up the wording.

Reagan Baker

Seventeen-year-old immortal Mylo Chance doesn’t see the point in building relationships, especially with girls.  Who it’s about. It isn’t because he’s part of the Soulettey race–emotionless, soulless beings created to balance the error of human judgment. That would be too simple of an explanation.
Relationships are impractical because Mylo is Broken. Circumstance.


Being Broken means the impossible follows no schedule.awkward. I don’t understand this sentence. No matter where Mylo is or what he’s doing, uninvited souls slam into his chest and reek havoc on his humanity, torturing him with their dying moments. To escape, Mylo must become a white Arctic fox–the only animal Soulettey in existence. In this form he can transfer the souls and store them in animal hosts called the Inhabited.

Feeling alienated from his own race for centuries, Mylo has had plenty of time to question his existence. That list doubles when he meets the highly likable and entertaining Ellary, a human girl he just can’t seem to say no to. But it isn’t until several Soulettey men ask Mylo if he’s seen a white fox lurking in the woods, that he suspects there’s more to being a Broken than creating Inhabited. These two paragraphs contain your conflict.

Keeping his Soulettey identity a secret, Mylo and Ellary track down the men, hoping to find answers. Instead, Mylo learns about two conflicting legends pertaining to his existence and the well-being of the Soulettey species. But which story is true and who is Mylo’s real enemy?

An emotionally riddled Mylo encounters tragic loss, unforgettable kinships, heartbreak, and vicious enemies in his quest to uncover the truth behind his creation and prevent a war that could terminate his entire race. I’d distill these two remaining paragraphs into one or two sentences that contain the hook.

My diagnosises: Getting close. Try to avoid saying too much. Get to the punchline in the hook paragraph sooner.

Have a great weekend!